*NOTICE: the blog entry below is only for the brave hearted. Please don't continue reading if you do not wish to absorb any heavy content.

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I'm in a semi conscious state now, so the sentence structure of this post is totally off. More than often you'd find that there is no link between what was mentioned previously and what you would be reading.

I used to think that it's rather pointless to be ranting in front of the computer, posting up some super negative blog entry and make yourself feel sad, worse still, make your readers feel sad. I'm so so sorry, today I just needed an outlet.

I used to think being busy was the lousiest,most indifferent and superficial excuse someone could have ever offered. But now, I just think it's a convenient and very, very useful excuse.

I also used to think that my identity crisis ended at the age of 15. It's most astonishing to realise I'm going through one all over again now. I struggle with being a girl, a daughter, a sister, a student, a teacher, a friend, a group mate, a companion, a Good samaritan, and of course, a child of God. Lately these struggles seem to be more evident in my life.

I wonder if I've become weaker, or has circumstances and people changed so much that I can't keep up with the way of life. Am I really bothering too much about things, or have people just gradually learnt not to bother too much about things?

People in school, in general, have been very unpleasant recently, or maybe I took 3 semesters to realise this fact. It's not the fault of others though, they have all rights to be the person they want to be. I just blame myself for refusing to accept harsh realities and learning to accept others for the good and bad.

I do think I'm getting dumber. My grades are going downhill and I haven't been performing according to my own standards. I take eternity to understand a concept that some smart guy at the other end of the class would have gotten it the moment the prof mentioned it. I can make the stupidest mistakes, like the answer is just staring at you and 100% of all other students would have aced it, but because my brain is slow I can't even think properly.

I've been having lots of mood swings lately. When I'm self-absorbed I can really get quite nasty. Everytime such situations happen I just silently hope the amount of hurt done to my loved ones around are reduced to the minimum, before I resume to my normal self. The last thing I would ever want to do is to affect the mood of others just because I'm not in a good mood.

On top of the usual massive load of readings, tutorials and projects, I've been actively involved in informal family meetings. Content of the meetings you don't have to know, but severity of the content is something that is weighing so much in all our hearts. It aches my heart to hear again and again how events can turn for the worse just when you thought the worst has already happened. And I tell you, it aches my heart even more to see that my parents are so uptight and worried everyday. My parents aren't talkative people. But they have been telling me so much of their heartfelt thoughts that I begin to believe it's because they have too much to bear internally. I just wished there was a machine in this world that can suck in the words of one and transfer it internally to another, so that the person's load can be relieved. On the outside, we all look fine. But on the inside, I always find this familiar, unspoken scar in every person's heart.

I simply don't have the heart for anymore bad news.

I'm a very private person. Even if you were to drop me a message or give me a ring, I would still give you the standard answer, "yes I'm fine, don't worry. I'm genuinely happy for you that you're doing fine, go on. I'll somehow get through mine". Humans in the world have taught me that you live alone and you die alone. Don't make your problems other people's problems. Even if you do run into problems, go find a solution yourself and stop bothering others. Take you for example. You may have taken merely a few tens of seconds to skim through this blog entry, when it actually took lots of courage for me to say so many things at one shot. You're sure you will be there for me when I need it? Think again before making promises.

And actually, I don't need someone to talk to because I have nothing to say. You want me repeat all those negative and hurting things that all of us were fighting to hide? We fought so hard with blood and tears to forget about them, don't break those heavy hearts and reveal the fresh scar.

I still do know that I'm a child of God and He is taking care of me. In fact for the past week I've been asking Him almost every night if He loves me. I bet He's beginning to find me annoying. I don't ask for Him to take away those life-changing situations, I just ask of Him to lead us in the way. Don't walk too fast Oh God, I need You to hold my hand.

I know this post has been such a "I" centered post. Just for tonight k. When the dawn breaks again I'll start putting on the "you" thing. For that stranger I walked past, for that friend I smiled at, for my father, my mother, my brothers, my everything else. Everything was typed in a moment of rashness and depression. Who knows, when I'm sober tomorrow I'd delete this load of unentertaining rubbish.

Wait, I still want to ask this question. Are humans really that cold? Did the whole world already come to terms with it and I'm the last soul on earth to grapple with such an uncalled for issue?

And one last thing: I really hate the me now you know. Hate it alot alot.